I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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