I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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