I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
