wrigley field is MILF paradise
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
