I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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