I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
my liver is dry heaving
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
