gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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