Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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