I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
