I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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