yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
