Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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