Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
