sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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