I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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