drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
