Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
