she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
