I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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