God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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