u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
