If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
