Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
how drunk are you?
Several
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
