Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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