its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize