in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
