made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
