I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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