Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
