not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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