So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
