Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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