How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
