You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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