Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
