I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
