What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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