It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
