my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I lost the right to judge tonight
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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