I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
