Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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