I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
