Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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