i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
