i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
