I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
