Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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