So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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