R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
