I met the friendliest cop last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
