So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
