I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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