Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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