Got a toothbrush?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
