I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
vagina is talking i cant
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
