nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
