Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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