It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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