Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
