things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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